Thursday, August 13, 2009

Bathing Costumes Must Be Worn at All Times

Argh. Why are earth would I say I wanted to go to Key West?

When going to Key West involves buying a bathing costume?

Yes, I said costume -- cause that is so what it is.

David and I are headed to Key West at the end of September. We will meet friends there and spend four days in the sun, rolling cigars, eating, and looking for Hemingway and his five-toed cats.

My friend Laura: You have to get a bathing suit. It would be ridiculous for you to go down there and go on boats or scuba dive without a bathing suit.

My friend Marilyn: You can’t go out on boats without a bathing suit. It just looks odd.

Me: I like ridiculous. I like odd. I no likey bathing suits.

I bit the bullet.

Me: Okay, okay -- I wouldn't want to be ridiculous or odd. RMEs.

I am no shopper.

I’d really rather “chew on tin foil” as my friend Brendan would say.

In fact, I hate shopping in general unless it's Publix or Total Wine.

So, I go online. Not as painful I think -- no lurking sales clerk, no public embarrassment as others look and see you are trying on a bathing suit and run like cockroaches.


I head to Land's End website.

Argh. Again.

I thought it would be easy - you know -- find a really big suit in black with the same dimensions as a pup tent and be done. Oh no, it's not that easy -- Land's End has more choices than the burrito line at Moe's.

Too many choices, too many colors, too many clicks, too many questions -- just downright too much. America. Why can't we make things simpler? There is such a thing as over choice. It's dangerous. It makes people sweat. Give back things they never took. Lie. Sell their momma.

I wish I could have a government issued bathing suit.

Government: Here you go, ma’m. One standard issue black bathing costume … full coverage - head to toe.

Me: Thank you so much. I will wear it with pride.


For once, I could use their interference.

I get on Land’s End’s website and immediately call my friend Laura. If the government can't help me, I know Laura can -- she can shop.

Me: Laura. I’ve caved. I’m looking at bathing suits, but I can’t do it.
Laura: Sure you can.
Me: Will you get on the website with me?
Laura: Sure. Quit panicking. Women buy bathing suits all the time.
Me: Not this woman. I haven’t had a bathing suit since 1988.
Laura: That’s not something I would share.
Me: I don’t care. Just help me get this over with.
Laura: Okay, quit acting like a crack head.

With Laura’s help, we wander the website looking at the options, the colors, the sizes.. I like the idea of “tummy control” and “minimizer.” I wish it said "look thirty years younger" or "take you back to 1972."

So, after a half hour on the phone, I fill up my shopping cart with three different options of bathing suits and they will arrive in the mail. Oh goody!

The price of shipping was $18.00 -- must be coming by truck.

Big truck, I guess. Makes sense -- these are not bikinis. I know, I know -- TMI.

There will be no update on this particular blog.



  1. Maybe we will post photos from the trip on your blog. That could be fun! Can't wait. Laura

  2. I don't like shopping either. There's too many choices, many of them I do not like.
    I would like pictures.

  3. be glad you chose key west and not france, where [o]ne standard issue black bathing costume ... full coverage - head to toe" would potentially be illegal, rather than simply looked upon askance?

    p.s. my sister is a former student; she has me hooked on the blog. thank you for the pleasant diversion!

  4. For some reason I can't get the thought of Dick Van Dyke out of my head from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The particular scene is out on the beach and he's sporting one of those thick striped red and white retro men's bathing suits. If you don't know what I'm talking about look at the link below. I tried to find a pic from the movie but unfortunately the internet is still incomplete when it comes to giving me all my wants.

  5. My hat is off to Laura for getting you to go to Key West and to buy a bathing suit! I remember when I suggested that we go out to Allatoona and have lunch on my boat and talk about American Studies. You told me you did not like lake water and you did not own a bathing suit and that was that. What do Marilyn and Laura have that I do not to get you in boats and suits?